My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
