She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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