I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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