she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
