my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
