Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
