I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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