i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize