Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
