He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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