I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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