Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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