8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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