sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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