So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
pray to the hookup gods
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
