i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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