You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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