Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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