Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
