and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
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