dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
