I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
