Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
