I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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