Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
