I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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