On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
