There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I am one with the molecules
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
