I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
