so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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