She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
