He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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