The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize