Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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