Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
