bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
