Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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