and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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