On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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