tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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