Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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