I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
