I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
