just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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