So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
