i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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