Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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