If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I don't deserve a penis
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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