Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
