we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
