She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
