my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
