she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
