why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
