no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
