if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
