I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
