I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
