That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
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Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
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he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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