took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
