before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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